Here's What To Do When Your Marriage Becomes Sexless

unhappy couple in bed
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Is it just us, or does it seem like two topics that are coming up more and more are grey divorces (people who end their relationship after decades of marriage) and sexless marriages (couples who only have sex between 10-15 times per year)?

And after spending some time in cyberspace on the topic of sexless marriages, here are some of the things that we discovered:

Between 15-20 percent of married couples are in a sexless marriage.

On average, couples have sex 68 times a year.

Children, boredom, poor communication, low self-esteem, unforgivingness, emotional affairs, financial stress, and hectic schedules all play a role in sexless unions.

A "lack of interest from their partner" is what both spouses claim is the biggest issue.

20-30 percent of men and 30-50 percent of women claim to have no sex drive at all.

Geeze, when you think about all of the good things that sex does for you (gives you energy, boosts your confidence, reduces stress, helps you lose weight, makes you more productive, connects you with your partner, etc.), these are pretty grim statistics.

If you can relate, (pardon the pun), don’t take being in a sexless marriage lying down. There are things you can do, as soon as tonight, to get you and your partner’s sex drives and sex lives back on track!

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Eat Better

If you and your spouse are the kind of couple who are madly in love (and attracted to each other), but every night, all you can do is look at each other and mumble “I love you” before falling asleep, your exhaustion might have something to do with your diet. 

Foods that can boost your libido include citrus fruit and broccoli (they both contain Vitamin C which increases blood circulation); eggs (protein will give you both more stamina) and watermelon (its low in calories, high in vitamins and has the reputation for producing a Viagra-like affect). 

Also, reduce your processed foods, especially sweets. All those do is give you a quick boost of energy—and then totally drain you.

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Get More Rest

The truth is that most of us aren’t getting the amount of rest that we should (6-8 hours) on a daily basis. Sleep deprivation leads to bad moods, lack of concentration and productivity, low energy levels, constant food cravings and yes, a low libido. 

If you’re averaging less than five hours, for the sake of your health and sex drive, make the necessary adjustments to improve that.

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Get Out Of The Same Routine

If you can already predict how the sex is gonna go, including how long it’s gonna take, the sheer boredom alone may be why you’re trying to avoid doing it. 

It’s really easy for married couples to fall into a sexual rut: same place, same position, same foreplay, same…same…you fill in the blanks. 

If the two of you average no more than four sex-capades a month, try something new. Get out of the bed and the missionary position. Set your alarm for the middle of the night. Sext throughout the day to build up anticipation. 

Be intentional about doing what you need to do in order to bring the excitement back that the two of you once had. You know, before you both had your laptops and remote controls in each other’s laps more than each other. (Just sayin’)

little girl on parent's bed
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Keep Kids Out Of Your Bedroom (At Night)

Some people find this to be a controversial topic, but a lot of physicians and even children’s therapists will vouch for the fact that even when a child is a newborn, a co-sleeper or a crib in your bedroom is wiser than them sleeping in the same bed as you. 

Why? One reason is because it’s safer for your baby. Another reason is it’s a smart move for your sex life.

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Build Your Emotional Intimacy

Good sex doesn’t just start in the bedroom. It’s something that both people cultivate in the hours (even days) leading up to the experience. Tons of research indicates that the closer you feel to your partner before having sex, the better the sex will be. 

Hold hands. Make out in the morning. Cuddle on the couch. Share your feelings. Talk about what you need. Go out on dates. Cook together. Try something new. Do things to purposely fill up your emotional tank. 

If your emotional intimacy levels are good, great sex is not far behind.

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Watch Your Words

There are A LOT of people who are aroused by dirty talk in bed. That needs to go on record. But actually what we’re talking about here is watching how you talk to one another outside of the bedroom. 

Don’t talk AT each other but TO each other. Avoid screaming demands or hitting below the belt just to make point. Say “please” and “thank you” to each other. Express when you’re sorry for doing something that offended the other. 

A lot of marriages are sexless because both people overlooked a very important part of love making: what goes on between the ears, not the legs.

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See A Professional

One of the main things that sets a marriage apart from another other relationships is the fact that the couple has sex. This means that if you and yours are not (and are physically-able to), something is very wrong. 

Don’t ignore this. Set up an appointment to see a reputable marriage counselor or therapist. Chances are, the issue is not physical or sexual but mental or emotional. 

Getting to the root of what that is can get you out of the category of “sexless married couples.” And who doesn’t want that?!

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SHELLIE RENEé

Just a woman who digs all things relationships. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, that is. I've been writing (professionally) for close to 20 years, including having two books published. I'm also a marriage life coach and doula. Sometimes I speak to large audiences or do radio interviews, but usually I'm sitting in my favorite chair, surfin' the 'net and penning stuff that I wish I had read in my early 20s.

Listen, I don't have all the answers, not by a LOOOOONG shot. But whatever I can do to spare folks any heartbreak, bitterness or straight-up drama, I'll devote some keystrokes to doing. 

That's it...in a nutshell. For the most part. Kinda. ;)

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